Normally, argument is a conversation/discussion in which two or more
people disagree, often angrily. So in this context we are talking about
the audacity of argument among married people or people that intend to
marry. Because of the difference in oneness, couples sometimes have
different views about an issue, consequently, while expressing their
different views in other to come to a conclusion, they may engage in
such a discussion. Ideally, discussions should not be hurtful. It is a
way of expressing individual views. But in practice, it is not so.
Couples argue in which most times result to exchange of bitter words,
fighting disenchantment disrespect etc. Arguments handled in the
most responsible way enable the couple chose the best available option
before them and for this to happen, the woman must learn how best to
present issues such that it will not be construed to mean a different
thing and the man must understand that women sometimes present issues in
a manner that differs from their intending meanings.
I see
arguments among couples as being brave and rude because they can nurture
painful feelings and cause bitter experiences. Some other times, it
results to fight, exchange of bitter and disrespectful words and causes
the woman to feel unloved. Arguments have the tenacity to rid the happy
family life and breed a low self esteem feeling within one person or
more. This kind of argument is unhealthy in the happy family life.
Couples argue because they fail to understand each other and when one
person develops unhealthy desire to prove a ‘rightful’ position
When
they argue, the man becomes defensive and tries to invalidate the
woman’s feelings; he fails to listen to the woman’s point of view but
tries to prove the woman wrong when she is convinced to be right. When
couples argue, the woman’s primary need is a listening ear so she craves
to be heard, she just needed someone who can just listen to her and see
reasons with her while the man is defensive, he gives a whole lot of
reasons to prove and establish his cause.
As I said earlier, it is
not bad to argue, but one of the things that make it bad is the tune of
the woman in raising her view. This sends a wrong signal to the man
which ignites fire in him through her tune of expression. The man being
unaware of her intention gives a different meaning to the woman’s views
and these, result to arguments. Let us consider some examples to
buttress this point.
When the man comes back to the house at late
hours: Many women hate such-the man coming back to the house at late
hour especially when there is no justifiable cause. One of the primary
love tips of women is companionship and communication through
conversation. So when the man is not available to give her the company
and listening ear she needed, she nurses some form of animosity and
resentment within her. Consequently, she is feels shortchanged because
of the man’s absence. When the man eventually returns, she may ask in an
unfriendly manner such questions as ‘why must you always come back late
to this house?’ Now the point she is trying to establish is that she
really missed him, she needed him to keep her company and give her a
listening ear. But what the man hears is ‘why are you so irresponsible
that you are fond of wrong doing in this house of ours?’ Again the man
sees that question as being commanding consequently he feels bad and
insulted.
The man may feel that the woman is not even appreciative
of his efforts to make ends meet in the house instead; she resorts to
being rude insulting and commanding is his house. And of cause, he has
to defend himself and give reasons for his late coming. Then, he may
assert that she is unappreciative and senseless. He may ask ‘are you not
aware that I am supposed to join an executive meeting that lasts for
hours after work? The man is trying to defend his coming late in the
most unfriendly manner because of the meaning he got from the woman’s
question while the woman is wallowing in pains because he has failed to
understand her, listen to her views. Of cause, the woman didn’t mean to
call her man an irresponsible man but what she meant is that she missed
him when she needed him most all the same if he could be available the
next time, he would have been the most amazing husband. So can you see
the analogy of such play?
In a similar case, on a Saturday morning I
brought out a cloth to wash and my wife having noticed my intention to
use detergent advised me on the contrary. However I insisted by telling
her, Honey I want to use it for once after which I desist from it. And
just before I could complete my statement she asked ‘Why?’ commonly, I
would have felt insulted by her demand to know my reason, but I used
uncommon mind to understand that she meant neither to insult me nor to
disrespect her husband. But the consent of managing issues and how women
respond to some issues made me to validate her thought without being
insulted/offended.
WHAT THE WOMAN SHOULD HAVE SAID
In such
times when the man comes back late to the house and the woman wants to
head the peace keeping mission, instead of asking ‘why must you always
come back late to this house’ she could say ‘welcome honey, how was the
day’s activity? Hey, honey I missed my husband so much that I wished he
could be making it a little bit earlier. Or honey I appreciate your
efforts but don’t you think I miss you as such times and I think it is
not safe coming back alone at such odd hours. Such response will create
the impression in the man that his wife appreciates his efforts though
his late coming is an impediment. The man then could say wow, honey I
missed you too especially your interesting stories, I don’t worry I
promise to do my very best all because of you. He has validated her
feeling lonely and do promise to make it up.
The Win-Lose Principle
Every couple needs the basic understanding that marriage is not a
win-win concept. And that is normal in every competition involving two
teams. The two teams cannot win at the same time; it is either team A
wins for team B to lose or the other way round. One of the variances as
seen between a couple and a pair of competing teams is competition.
Husband and wife are not competing for anything, they are one. What
belongs to the man also belongs to the woman and vice versa. But when
there is argument one must soft paddle for the other to land and carry
the day. For example, your wife may be such that she likes it while she
is in the kitchen doing cooking, you stay close by listening to her
stories while helping her do some menial kitchen tasks, but to you, that
cannot put food on your table. The win-lose principle demands that you
join her as she wishes, then she wins while you lose and the love gains
momentum. So for the sake of peace, love and her joy, the man has to
soft-pedal, bury the pride and that in no way proves him as the foolish
one. To the woman, your man may be such that that hate okra soup while
it has been your favorite from mother’s womb, for his sake, this
principle demands that you give up liking the soup for your man to win
occasionally. So the win-lose principle in marriage demands sometimes
you bury what you treasure but is disliked by your partner for peace to
reign. It is such that when the woman is winning, the man is
soft-pedaling.

THE PLACE OF COMPROMISE IN A HAPPY FAMILY LIFE
Two wrong doings have never made a right. When a partner offends the
other and in turn the other decides to retaliate offensively, they have
succeeded in recording two wrongs. There will be feelings of anger,
hatred and the likes. But if the other had decided to let the sleeping
dog lie, I think reconciliation would have been more tenable.
For
the peace of a couple to be complete and easily achieved, the couple
must learn to formally and informally agree to give some of the things
they need. A little beat to the right and a little beat to the left
balance the equilibrium. So in effect, the man should give up some
things he wants so also the woman. I relate that to a ‘win-lose’
concept. When the man is having a say, the woman is compromising and in
some other times, when woman is winning, the man compromises.
In one
of my relationship talks with a group of women, a woman asked if it is
fair for the man to out rightly ban okra soup which is his wife’s
favorite soup in the house just because he dislikes okra soup. Of cause
that is not the best thing to do. The man is free to dislike okra soup
and the woman also is at liberty to love okra soup. In order to give
everybody a fair share, it would have been fair if sometimes they cook
the man’s favorite and some other times, they cook the woman’s favorite.
In other words, the man should give up some of his wishes for the woman
to have her way. And when she is happy, he is indirectly happy.
In
the place of argument, to compromise entails the man burying his anger
and pride and tolerate the woman’s ‘insults’ and on the other hand, the
woman should see reason for the man to rage in anger..
THE PLACE OF BASIC UNDERSTANDING IN HAPPY FAMILY LIFE
Marriage is instituted primarily for companionship. In Genesis chapter
2, and God found out that it is not good for man to be alone, in other
words God meant that it is not good for this my creature to be without a
companion. God said I need to make for him another creature that will
be suitable to him, who will join hands together with him for grater
results. So God out of His magnanimity created a companion out of the
man. But it is found out that this beautiful and awesome reason in some
marriages is defeated. Couples don’t leave at peace, they live at
logjam, argue and fight.
I attribute this failure to synchronize and
live a happy life to failure to understand each other. When you go into
a system with a wrong impression about the system, certainly you will
be disappointed and that’s why couples get disappointed at each other,
they have wrong impressions of their better half in them. So for
cohesion and synchronization in the system, couple also, need to
understand basically, what the system is made up of, how it operates,
the make ups of the system and how to adopt or cope within the system.
This analogy is applicable to marital relationship in exact terms.
For peace and harmony among couples, they need to understand each other
to a reasonable extent and be ready to understand more. Sometimes, when I
feel my wife has done something somehow not good to me, I hold my peace
if she particularly, she is used to it, because I have the
understanding that she must not always be right in my sense of judgment.
In that case I should be ready to give up what I want-compromise.
So couples need the basic understanding that the other person is not a
perfect creature or a saint either, we need the basic understanding that
our partners are not flawless, so, there are things he or she may not
get right and that’s why we are there-to join hands together and right
the wrong. You need the basic understanding that he or she equally has
good sides or highlights. There are things he or she does right and that
should even be a consolidation in times of errors. You need the basic
understanding that your partner can learn and unlearn consequently, if
there are things she isn’t getting right, I can help her to learn the
right and unlearn the wrong ones.
Everybody has a unique lifestyle
so we are wired differently. When we have these basic understanding
about our partners, it helps us to be happy or behave better when they
arise. It helps us to hold our peace and teach him or her if you are
tempted to be disappointed. Then you say hey! Sweetheart I think you got
it wrong, don’t you think it should be done this way or the other way
round
When couples don’t love each other enough and have refused to
accept compromise, such things as coming to the house late, snoring
habit, smoking habits, exit point etc may cause them to argue and
develop animosity against each other.